Game of Robes

Chale, the funniest story just popped up in Nigeria. This 18-year-old boy went to learn trade and ended up starting a population census in his trousers.

The story go like this: Mama and Papa said “Go and learn trade.” Boy entered shop. But instead of learning how to sell, man was busy doing other transactions. Before you could say "apprenticeship," he had already plantain’d his boss’ daughter and his boss' salesgirl. Combo pack. So the boss kicked him out.

But guy said “no retreat, no surrender.” He went back to the village, and in two months flat, boom! 8 more girls were expecting. This one is fertilizer in human form. If baby-making was a profession, this boy would’ve been CEO, HR and Intern all at once. At this point, Anambra people need to ban him from public events before he turns naming ceremonies into weekly things.🤣🤣

Anyway, in our homeland Ghana, these are own stories:

• Politics: Salam Mustapha just turned the judiciary into a “you sack my fav, I sack yours” episode.

• National: Mahama said “delete L.I. 2462,” but now it’s giving “Let’s just edit small”. Ghanaians are confused.

• Crime: She promised them jobs, but sis delivered trauma, torture, and illegal abortions and now, she’s got 29 years to sit and think.

• National: Imagine prepping waakye for 500 kids only to find out on Facebook that your job no dey; Ghana School Feeding caterers matter this oo.

• Entertainment: Sis sang her lungs out twice and Guinness still aired her like a bad date. [Afua’s Singathon flops for the second time.]

• Fact of the Day: How many times can you fold an A4 sheet before it gives up on you?

• Crime: Man went from “take twice daily” to “17 years behind bars for selling fake drugs.

• Economic: How black market diapers snatched 350 jobs.

QUICK BYTE

• You’re in a group project. You remove the team lead because you think they’re being shady. Then the opposing squad is like, “Cool cool… wait till we’re in charge. We will sack your new leader too.” That’s literally Ghana’s judiciary right now. Salam Mustapha, the NPP’s Youth Organiser and part-time political fire-spitter, came through with warnings that felt more like political threats. According to him, if Mahama’s camp goes ahead with suspending Chief Justice Gertrude Torkornoo, then NPP will respond in kind. Tit for tat, no cap.” Read more

• Your friend swore they’d block that one toxic ex forever. Fast forward and boom, you see them liking each other’s posts again, commenting “🔥🔥” and hanging out like it’s all cool. That’s how Awula Serwah feels about President Mahama right now, major “bro, what happened to your word?” energy. Get the full deets in the Deep Dive section.

• Patience, a 32-year-old Nigerian woman based in Ghana, trafficked girls from Nigeria under the guise of giving them a better life. But when they landed in Ghana, it was less “secure the bag” and more “welcome to hell.” Sis took their passports, their peace of mind, and even their fingernails. Yes, fingernails. She shaved their pubes (why??), made them swear scary oaths, and forced them into prostitution like she was directing a low-budget, high-trauma Nollywood thriller. Get the full deets in the Deep Dive section.

• Sunda laid off 350 workers not because of machines breaking or business being slow but because some fake pampers pulled a ninja move and took over the market. And these diapers? They're not even giving “I made it past FDA” energy. They’re leaking before the baby even sneezes. But because they’re cheap-cheap, people are buying them like it's 2 cedis 1 fish. Meanwhile, Sunda’s actual certified production is gathering dust, and two factories have packed their bags, one to Uganda, the other to Naija. The diapers left, and took people’s salaries with them.

  Now Sunda is in Parliament like, “Eii Honourables, abeg do something.” They’re saying this isn’t just an economy issue, it’s national security. Because what if these diapers start giving kids rashes? Read more

• On May 2, the Ghana School Feeding Programme pulled a shocker terminating all caterer contracts nationwide. But the thing is, the people cooking the jollof didn’t even get a heads-up. No letter. No email. Just vibes and viral posts. The caterers say they found out on social media (and we thought ghosting only happened in relationships.) And now, there's serious wahala. Many caterers had already used their own money to buy food supplies, prepping for the next school term. Rice, beans, tomatoes all just chilling in storage, no mouths to feed. Worse, their contracts were supposed to expire in August, so technically, this termination came with no warning and three months early. As in, what are they supposed to do with 200kg of gari? Read more

• You know that painful moment when you rehearse all night for class presentation, wear your best outfit, and then the teacher cancels school? That’s Afua Asantewaa right now. Sis put her whole diaphragm into this singathon thing again — only for Guinness to slide into her inbox with a sweet “nah.” No drama, no suspense, just a nice little email saying “this doesn’t meet our criteria.” Like she applied for a visa. Read more

• Agyeman Badu from Chiraa has been sentenced to 17 whole years for selling expired medicine. Seventeen. That’s not jail, that’s a full SHS + Legon + national service + a few adult heartbreaks. Apparently, man was moving expired drugs like he was running a ‘Buy One, Die One’ promo. The FDA and Bono Police caught him in 2022, and this week, the judge said “enough is enough, lock him up.” And not the soft kind of prison either, we’re talking hard labour. As in, concrete mixing, hoe-holding, prison slippers hard labour. And as if that wasn’t enough wahala, the judge also slapped him with a GH¢12,000 fine. If he can’t cough that up? Add 2 more years on top. Read more

DEEP DIVE

Mahama, Explain Yourself

Back in campaign szn 2024, Mahama had us all hyped, saying he’d revoke L.I. 2462, you know, the law that basically gave the green light for state-backed mining in our forest reserves. The forests were clapping. Trees were dancing shaku shaku. Environmentalists were ready to pop champagne. But now? Man’s talking amendment instead of revocation. Like?? This is not the plot twist we subscribed to.

Awula Serwah, who reps Eco-Conscious Citizens, did not mince words at the JoyNews National Dialogue. She straight up called the whole thing a betrayal, saying if the Prez promised full cancel-cancel but now wants to tweak things instead, then he owes Ghanaians a proper “I’m sorry.” Like a real one. Not the “if I offended you” type. She’s calling for honesty and vibes-free governance.

She also made it clear we’re not out here asking for luxury. Just no mining in forests. It’s literally that simple. Forests are not for drilling. They’re for shade, monkeys, and the occasional baecation hike. And as for illegal mining? Sis said stop acting like it’s some grey area. It’s called illegal for a reason. Let’s stop being soft on crime and start being hard on enforcement. Period. Read more

Madam Turned Monster

One of the girls, Abigail, was pregnant. Madam Patience allegedly gave her some mystery leaves to end it — illegal and dangerous AF. Another, Happiness (whose name clearly wasn’t her portion in this mess), got diagnosed with HIV and was still being sent out to work while the Madam pocketed all the cash like a stingy pimp with no soul. When Happiness got only GHS300 on payday, she flipped. And who wouldn’t? She confronted Patience, got assaulted, and ended up with facial injuries. But plot twist, that slap turned into power. Sis reported Madam to the police and boom! Justice mode activated.

Now Madam Patience is getting a full 29 years in prison. Not vacation years. Not gap years. Prison. Twenty for trafficking, five for illegal abortion, and the rest for assault and running her twisted little brothel empire. The girls are now in safe hands, being prepped for a safe return to Nigeria. And Patience? Let’s just say she’s got 29 long years to reflect, rethink, and rot (politely speaking). Read more

CHECK OUT WHAT’S TRENDING

• Over 2000 complaints to ORAL?

• “Don’t overhype JM.”

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NEWS SOURCES

Today’s stories are curated from:

1. www.myjoyonline.com

2. www.ghanaweb.com

3. www.citinewsroom.com

4. www.norvanreports.com

5. Channel1news