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If you’ve ever wondered why your [insert your own words here🤐🤐] application is taking longer than Kukum Bagya, Nii Moi Thompson just dropped a bombshell that explains it all. Apparently, some government workers are out here watching soft porn at 10am. Yes, AM, when normal people are sending please find attached, battling deadlines and pretending to be productive, some civil servants are engaging in… extracurricular activities that have nothing to do with national development.
Chale, stories dey! See what else is happening
National: Ghana’s 2024 import list had the usual big boys fuel, industrial machinery, used cars but ninth place belonged to something nobody had on their bingo card.
National: Dear politicians, if we’re tightening our belts, yours better be on the last hole!
National: Sis says the fight for gender equality is like dumsor—every time you think it’s over, it flickers back to life.
Politics: Oppong Nkrumah says the 24-hour economy has more definitions than Ghanaian nicknames. So which one are we working with?
Crime: BoG painter allegedly trades copper for cash—GH¢1m in cables, GH¢2k in pockets.
Regional: Demonayili just got hit with an extreme home makeover; nature edition, and nobody asked for it.
Fact of the Day: One job, 5 hitmen but still no show!
General News: Truck serves accidental BBQ, commuters left ‘grilled’ in traffic.
QUICK BYTE
Ghana’s 2024 import list had the usual big boys—fuel, industrial machinery, used cars—but ninth place belonged to something nobody had on their bingo card: animal guts, bladders, and stomachs. We spent a whole GH₵2.69 billion on inside parts, making this the most expensive ‘insider deal’ in history. Get the 411 in the Deep Dive section below
Oppong Nkrumah just dragged the government’s 24-hour economy policy. According to him, nobody actually knows what it means. Ask five different people, get five different explanations. Speaking in Parliament, he called out the ruling party for talking plenty without clear action, saying, “Propaganda won’t fill stomachs or lower transport fares.” He also came for the President, saying the big campaign promises that got people chanting “kwen kwen” have been lost in translation. Instead of solutions to food prices and electricity bills, all he’s hearing is the same blame game from 2013. Read more
If houses had feelings, the ones in Demonayili would be on Twitter right now tweeting, "God, I thought you said no weapon formed against me shall prosper?" Because on Wednesday, a storm hit the community with the force of an angry landlord chasing out tenants who haven't paid rent in two years. More than 50 houses were reduced to rubble, leaving nearly 200 people stranded. And to add insult to injury, the storm also stole their food—maize, cassava, personal belongings, all gone with the wind, literally. Continue reading in the Deep Dive section below
Can you imagine Lawal’s share of the loot was just GH¢2,000. Ah!!!
A painter working on the Bank of Ghana building has been remanded for allegedly pulling off an inside job stealing copper cables worth a jaw-dropping GH¢1,035,500. Ahmed Mohammed Lawal was caught on CCTV, along with two accomplices who are still on the run. The plan? Sneak into the Energy Farm, cut the cables, and cash in. Continue story in the Deep Dive section below
FACT OF THE DAY
In 2013, a Chinese businessman hired a hitman to take out his competitor for $282,000. The hitman then hired another hitman, who hired another hitman, who hired a hitman, who also hired a hitman. The last hitman was offered only $14,100. Last last, they've all been sentenced to prison.
If you were stuck on the Tema Motorway today wondering why your car was moving at the speed of a sleepy snail, blame it on a truck that decided to self-destruct. Accra’s traffic gods said, “Bet,” and handed out a premium delay package, Motorway Fire Edition™. A truck carrying spare parts went up in flames near the Accra Mall, turning what should’ve been a smooth ride into something else. The flames, the smoke, the confusion, it was giving action movie. No casualties were recorded, which means we can laugh about it now. The cause of the fire? Still unknown. But one thing’s for sure, motorists have been advised to find alternative routes. So, if you’re planning to use the motorway, just know you might need extra snacks, a backup charger, and the patience of a KG teacher. Read more
You ever finish a tough exam, only for the lecturer to say, “This was just the mid-semester; finals are coming”? Yeah, that’s the gender equality struggle, every step forward, some people try to hit rewind. Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey is out here reminding us that Women’s Day isn’t just for posting cute captions and purple-themed selfies. The fight for equality is ongoing, and right now, the progress bar is moving slower than ECG fixing a power outage. Madam Foreign Minister-turned-Commonwealth Secretary-General (casual flex) is not about to let centuries of struggle be undone because some people want to take us back to the Stone Age. From fighting for equal pay to ensuring girls get into tech, she’s calling on everyone men, women, and even the confused Twitter uncles to step up and keep the momentum going. Because if we let the pushback win, we’ll all be saying “Happy Women’s Day” from a time machine headed straight to 1825. Read more
Ghanaian politicians love motivational speeches. They’ll tell you, “We must all sacrifice,” while adjusting their designer belts and sipping imported coffee. But according to Dr. Ishmael Yamson, that playbook won’t fly anymore. He’s basically saying, “Mahama, you’ve started well by cutting down ministers, but your squad needs to catch the vibe too.” He’s got a point, though. We’ve seen government ‘reset’ promises before; somewhere between “we’re cutting spending” and “oh look, another expensive convoy.” So if this reset is real, it better not be vibes and PR. Read more
DEEP DIVE
Intestine Love Affair
Can you believe this?
Ghana’s 2024 import list is looking like a weird grocery receipt from a vampire’s shopping spree. While we expected the usual suspects—fuel, industrial machinery, used cars—ninth place went to… guts, bladders, and stomachs of animals. Yep, we blew GH₵2.69 billion on stuff even dogs would side-eye.
This isn’t even small money, ooh! GH₵2.69 billion is not your ‘go and buy bread’ money. It could clear school fees for an entire region or, you know, fix the roads that look like they’ve been through a boxing match. But no, we’re here prioritizing stomach linings like they’re the new gold rush. Meanwhile, our local cattle are moo-ing in confusion, wondering why they’re being overlooked for these imported premium intestines.
And don’t get us started on the why. Meat processing? Maybe. Pharmaceutical industry? Possible. Some secret underground shito experiment? Who knows? The real tea is, while we’re here debating this, some businessmen are making bank off imported cow guts. Just imagine someone walking into customs like, “Yes boss, I’m here to clear 50 containers of cow stomachs.” The way the officers will blink in Morse code.
On the bright side, Ghana did flex a bit, recording a GH₵44.7 billion trade surplus (big W). But now we have a crucial question to answer as a nation: Did we really need this much intestine? Or did someone’s Excel sheet at the Ministry of Trade just glitch and order extra by mistake? Because at this point, everybody say, “eiii”. Read more
GH¢1m in cables, GH¢2k in pockets.
The prosecution revealed that on February 16, Lawal and his crew used a scaffold to sneak into the Energy Farm and slice through valuable copper cables before disappearing. But their luck ran out when safety officer Samuel Nii Tettey and electrical engineer Davidson Mensah Otinkorang noticed the missing cables and decided to check the CCTV footage. Boom! Lawal was caught in the act. He was arrested and handed over to the police for investigations.
After selling the stolen cables at Kwame Nkrumah Circle, Lawal’s share of the loot was just GH¢2,000. For context, the total value of the stolen cables is over a million cedis. Either he got scammed, or his accomplices ghosted him with the real money. But when pressed by police to identify the buyer or lead them to his partners, he came up blank.
With investigations still ongoing, the court has adjourned the case to March 19. Meanwhile, the authorities are still hunting for the missing suspects. As for Lawal, he’s probably sitting in remand thinking, “was it really worth it?” Read more
Extreme home makeover
The streets now look like a badly staged movie set, with people trying to gather pieces of their former homes. Some residents have gone full Bob the Builder, hammering away with whatever they can find, while others are just staring at the damage like, "Ei, is this my life?" But the real heartbreak is for the women and kids, who have been hit the hardest. Some even got injured in the chaos, and now they’re out here with no roofs over their heads and no idea where their next meal is coming from.
Even the Assemblyman wasn’t spared—his house also got the demolition treatment from Mother Nature. Now, he’s rallying the troops and calling for help because, let’s be real, this isn’t something the community can fix with just determination and a few nails. This is a we-need-all-the-help-we-can-get kind of situation. Government, NGOs, Good Samaritans, even that uncle who always says, "Don’t worry, I’ll sort you out", but never does, now is the time to come through! Read more
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