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- Why is there a goat bathing in your gutter?
In this week’s news:
National: So President Mahama just told MMDCEs, “If your city dey stink, you go home.” He’s tying your employment to the scent of your street. If your area smells? Pack your files, bruv.
National: Kennedy Agyapong: “If I were Prez, Sammy Gyamfi go dey home by now.”
Education: University of Ghana just looked the Auditor-General in the face and said, “You misunderstood the assignment.”
Crime: Sis tried to import the “moaning starter pack” in a cream cracker box, and now she’s screaming in court.
National: President Mahama says the economy is healing, and by August, we’ll be unboxing good news like it’s iPhone launch day.
Fact of the Day: Beer was a soft drink in Russia.
National: Hajj pilgrims, this is Mecca, not Makola; no kola, no nonsense.
National: Ghana Immigration out here checking papers like bouncers at a club.
Let’s begin, shall we?
QUICK BYTE
Imagine your boss calls you into a meeting and instead of “What’s your Q2 target?”, they hit you with: “Why is there a goat bathing in your district's gutter?” That’s basically President Mahama’s new KPI (Keep Place Irresistibly-clean) for all MMDCEs. Want the deets in full? Check out the Deep Dive section.
So this woman, Hawa Fuseini, said she went to Togo for healing and came back with hardness. Literally. Not wisdom, not souvenirs, but boxes of Viagra-type aphrodisiacs disguised in a cream cracker carton. Customs officers said, “No be biscuit o, this one fit break backs.” Now she’s in police cells, broke and begging. Her next court date? May 28. Till then, the only thing rising is her bail, GH¢70,000 with two sureties. Want the deets in full? Check out the Deep Dive section.
Pilgrims wey dey pack for Hajj, this no be the time to smuggle your grandma’s secret stash of kola. Saudi Arabia said “abeg, leave your Ghana starter pack at home.” Even if it’s holy chewing, it’s still a big no-no over there.
Chairman Collins Dauda didn’t mince words — if you sneak in even one kola nut, you’re on your own, fam. Respect the host, or face the heat. And this heat no be Ghana sun oo. Read more
The Auditor-General’s report said UG may have done a little too much “show working” on their salary books—allegedly overstating employee compensation by a cool GH¢59.2 million. UG’s response? “Calm down. It’s not payroll fraud, it’s proactive problem-solving.” Prof. Samuel Simpson, UG’s Acting Deputy Internal Auditor, said they weren’t overpaying anyone. They were just using their own money (IGF) to cover extra staff the government didn’t budget for. Translation: if Gov’t paid for 2 lecturers, UG paid for 3 more out of pocket. And now they’re being side-eyed for it? Prof. Simpson basically said, “Yɛyɛ adwuma na mo se yɛyɛ bɔne?” Read more
FACT OF THE DAY
Beer was a soft drink in Russia.
Before 2011, any drink in Russia with less than 10% alcohol content was legally classified as a soft drink.
At a national leadership forum (where you’d expect calm TED Talk vibes), Kennedy chose Wahala Radio FM mode and told the room, “If I were president, Sammy Gyamfi would’ve been fired before the video even finished loading.” He called out nepotism and favouritism like they were the real opposition parties destroying Ghana. His beef? The Mahama government’s decision not to sack Sammy Gyamfi after that now-infamous video of him handing over U.S. dollars to Nana Agradaa surfaced. Read more
Friday morning, when some of us were still trying to open our eyes and find our slippers, Ghana Immigration said “operation activate.” They’ve launched a full-scale national mission to find undocumented folks and word on the street is, Accra was the first stop. Why? Because apparently, too many people have been moving to Ghana without the paperwork, like it’s some kind of free trial with no expiry date. Now, the GIS didn’t give exact locations, of course, who tells people where the party (or raid) is? But they did say they’ve teamed up with other security agencies. Read more
So Mahama pulled up in Wa with that “don’t worry, we’re cooking” energy. According to him, Ghana is back on track and the mid-year budget in August will be like a surprise birthday gift but for all of us. He even gave his Finance Minister and the BoG Governor a solid shoutout for tag-teaming the economy like it’s a WWE match. The cedi is behaving small-small, prices are calming down a bit, and Mahama swears there’s more good vibes loading in August. Fingers crossed it’s not just jollof without meat. Read more
DEEP DIVE
Your next job appraisal? It’s not PowerPoint. It’s how clean your gutter is.
During his Thank You Tour in Dodowa (yes, politicians still do that), Mahama didn’t mince words. He said if your area is giving dustbin vibes instead of desalination dreams, your job is on the line. No more chilling with rubbish heaps and hoping nobody notices. From now on, your re-election may depend on how fresh your gutters smell.
Truthfully, Accra floods more than a WhatsApp group when there's juicy gossip. And Mahama’s not wrong; it’s getting embarrassing. Small drizzle and boom!— your Uber turns into a canoe. So he’s like, "Clean your city or clean out your desk." Mood.
Also, heads up, they’re unlocking more money for the districts from the Common Fund and decentralising sanitation budgets. So now MMDCEs can’t say, “Oh, we didn’t have funds to clean the drainage.” Bro, your budget has arrived. Clean it like it’s your own bathroom before visitors come. Read more
When Your ‘Business Starter Pack’ Lands You in Trouble
Fam, you know those stories that start with “I just wanted to make small money”? Yeah, they usually end in either MLM or cellblock. Our sister Hawa went to Togo to treat her sickness and came back with a business plan that would’ve made OnlyFans marketers proud. Instead of bringing back healing herbs or at least some sobolo, she brought back Heira and Mygra, two off-brand bedroom bouncers with dosages strong enough to raise the dead. Literally.
She didn’t just carry them like vibes in her handbag. Nah, she tried to be sleek. She packed them in a Cream Cracker box. My sister, you mean to tell us you tried to hide bedroom fireworks inside something meant for tea time?
Customs at the Aflao border were not having it. FDA and the boys said, “this no be digestive biscuit, this be digestive danger.” Boom, arrest. Now Hawa’s bail is a crisp GH¢70k with two sureties one of which must be "justified." And let’s be honest, no one is justifying smuggled shakara supplements in a cracker box in this economy.
Sis even told the judge she got the stash on credit. So not only did she not pay for the products, she’s now paying in police stress. Moral of the story? If someone tells you to import midnight miracles wrapped in cream cracker boxes, say no. Read more
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